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I Moved!
07.10.05 (2:04 pm)   [edit]

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In case you didn't get the memo, I'm over at blogspot now. Click the monkey to win your prize...

It's been real...
06.19.05 (7:18 pm)   [edit]
Well the time has come..I'm making the move from Tblog..Starting tomorrow I'll be on Blogger for good. Thanks to Rinna and her computer hacking skills I am off to begin my tenure at Nerd university with a full-fledged customized blog. It's loaded with hi-tech fancy computer science that is significantly more intelligent than me. I'm actually a little frightened. Someone asked me a while back about all the pictures I've posted here (which is a shitload), so I uploaded all of them to a flickr account, and with Rinna's help made it public for everyone. I also kept the chatbox and offensive color scheme to make you all feel at home. I hope to see all of you there...

Later in the week I'm going to put up a redirect, but not until my brain stops bleeding from looking at HTML. But for now, come visit me at the new home of Monkeys for Helping.

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"It is not so important to be serious as it is to be serious about the important things. The monkey wears an expression of seriousness which would do credit to any college student, but the monkey is serious because he itches."

-Robert M. Hutchin

Picture Of The Day
06.17.05 (1:30 pm)   [edit]

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I've decided when I get married this is how the wedding party will be dressed. Tuxedos just don't have the pizazz of orange jumpsuits with shoulder flaps. The reception will be in a room with random blinking lights on the walls and the minister will be a poorly built Japanese robot with a british accent and a razor sharp wit. Sounds crazy? Trust me. The looks on people's faces will be worth it.

06.17.05 (1:26 pm)   [edit]

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By the end of the weekend, I should be over at blogger for good. I just have to figure out how to change colors and fix a few glitches, and get a redirect over there. The site is gonna be good, I swear.

And I just figured out what I want for my birthday: Hypnosis. I'm reading this book by Dr. Brian Weiss that documents past life regression, and I'm riveted. I really want to know what sits inside my fat head other than dead brain cells and gravy. Repressed Alien abductions? Memories of past lives? I just hope delving into my subconscious doesn't open up a huge can of crazy worms. We'll see..I don't wanna wake up like Arnold in Total Recall.

Question: Have any of you ever tried hypnosis?

The Road to Serfdom
06.17.05 (1:13 pm)   [edit]

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Being a serf sucks. And I should know. I'm a huge serf. I'd really like to be able to sit here and profess to you all that I live an original life that isn't dictated by media, society, and government ideals, but that would make me a big fat liar. I'd like to think that I'm an individual with original principles and ideas, but the truth is I'm such a corporate whore it's crazy. I really don't mean to be, but I can't help it. I like stuff. Having things does not suck to me in the slightest. I really can't have enough Nike Airs made by 12 year old girls from Bangladesh wrapped around my feet. (It's not my fault they do such a good job.) I devour 24 hour news feeds like fat kids eating sleeves of oreos. I just love that sensation of being bombarded by pure bias from every telescreen I see. It's such a relief to not have to form my own opinions when watching flickering images. Yes I admit I'm concerned about Johnny Government taking away citizen's rights, but then I remember I'm not even a citizen. So I don't even have rights to lose! Hurray!

So if you are afraid you have become a serf like me, this comic lays it all out. Imagine Orwell's 1984 with a bit of guised modern political commentary rolled into an awesome comic. Look at that nazi going to town on those golf clubs!! No fun for you! More excercise!

Check it out here.

Triumph vs. Jacko fans
06.16.05 (5:59 pm)   [edit]

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Triumph is too real. I know the MJ thing is played out, but this had me rolling. Watch this video of him going after MJ fans. With lines like "Criticising these reporters is like booing at the special olympics", how can you go wrong? Check it out here..

And when he mentions MJ masturbating to the movie "Home Alone" it reminded me of this fantastic picture...

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I'll bet my dusty copy of Thriller that Macaulay has nightmares of glittery gloved hands coming after him...

Picture Of The Day
06.15.05 (8:49 am)   [edit]

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Great Ceaser's Ghost. What the fuck is wrong with Jacko fans. I just had to post this. Mainly because crying is always funny. But notice how he has no white glove, yet managed to create a magical glove illusion by using glitter on his bare hand. That's dedication. Also the shirt-less arm band look is really hot right now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and kill myself.

(via Attu)

Indian McDonalds
06.15.05 (8:38 am)   [edit]

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Professor Nanda sent me this snap from his recent trip to India. I don't know about you western infidels, but I would totally eat the hell out of that McCurry, even if it might give me Mc Ass-piss. Also, how fucking crazy does the Chicken Maharaja Mac look? I need an Indian connect to send me one of those. That's east meets west all in one action packed super sandwich. Thanks for this, Gabe. Now I'm hungry!

Movin and Shakin
06.14.05 (10:49 am)   [edit]

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I'm back..I had a great weekend, and the wedding was a blast..Even though it was Saigon humid outside, I managed to rock the monkey suit to it's fullest potential. I'm super busy right now and loaded with school work, but rest assured I will return shortly with tons of stupid for all of you.

Also, I'm working on my new site that Rinna set up for me at Blogspot, and in a few days I will have a redirect for it so you can still come here and be sent over there..(You can peep the new banner, super stupidity at it's finest). I just gotta put up my links and do some tweaking, and then will be making the switch sit tight! I'll be back in a bit..

Not so sweet 16
06.07.05 (10:09 am)   [edit]

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Oh my dear God. I finally found it. The shadiest album cover of all time.

(via Pork Tornado)

gotta jet son, like Elroy
06.07.05 (7:58 am)   [edit]

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I'll be off the grid probably till Sunday..I might be back in case the need to nerd overtakes me..I gotta fly to NY and go to a wedding. I'm in the wedding party which means yours truly gets to wear a bonifide monkey suit, and do important groom stuff. (I'm just relieved I don't actually have to groom people.) And Devo is the best man!! It's gonna be fun. The groom tells me that his family likes the sauce which means lots of old people dancing their asses off. Old drunk people run shit. I've been without drink and party for a while, and all this sobriety and healthy living has me chomping at the bit. It's time to let loose. I will return with a full report for those of you that give a shit..Peace out!

Picture of the day
06.07.05 (7:45 am)   [edit]

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How cool is this!?! The best part: It ONLY plays tapes. That's old school. I say fuck a CD. This shit is analog, baby!!

(Found here)

Update: here is another amazing thing I want...

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Chicken Pants
06.04.05 (4:47 pm)   [edit]

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Sweet delicious chicken. Your sassy, secret recipe of style carries the sophistication of a seasoned Fashionista. Your daring pose exudes an air of grace and confidence beyond your species. Look around, chicken. The lights, the cameras, the people...they are all here for you. This is your day. Go. The catwalk is yours.

(via Ananova)

Picture of the day
06.03.05 (1:10 pm)   [edit]

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Cubicle Yeti says: "TGIF everybody!"

Patently Absurd
06.03.05 (12:11 pm)   [edit]
People think it's hard to get something patented. Apparently not. The US Goverment patent office is obviously phoning it in with some of these inventions they approve. I found this site with tons of inventions that got patented, and some of them are brilliant, but most are shit house crazy.

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Take this one for example. It's called Cry No More. I'm no Doctor Phil, but the look on that kid's face is pure primalistic fear. Dear God. Any kid who has his mouth strapped shut for crying is going to grow up talking like Jodie Foster in "Nell" and develop a huge gag fetish.

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From the "Fuck your kids for life" collection we have this little wonder. It's called The baby patter. Quite possibly the sketchiest name for a product ever. I don't know how good it is for a developing infant to have its earliest memories filled with a giant fucking robot arm beating his ass while he sleeps. Call me crazy.

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Here we have The Gerbil Shirt. If I saw someone wearing this I'd immediately call the police. That poor child must have been chloroformed and thrown in a dirty well to wear that abomination. No good can come from this. None.

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And here we have a Wearable Dog House. Now this is just plain crazy. Even the cartoon lady wearing it knows it's retarded. But it could be cool if the dog was trained to attack anyone who opened the door. I'd use it on waiters so I could bite the hand that feeds me.

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And here we have doggy Ear Tubes. Wow. I really didn't think it was possible to make the poodle look any more gay than it already does. I stand corrected.

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Straight from the US Department of Homeland Security wish list, we have The Hijacker Injector. Now here is a good idea. I think they should put these in coach and load them with morphine so I can kill my feelings with the push of a button. Flying fucking sucks.

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Lastly, we have the Toilet Snorkel. "Formulated to provide a fresh air source during fires in high rise buildings." Cool idea, I guess. But there has got to be a better place to get fresh air during a fire then the hole people poop into. Dear lord. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills..

If you liked these, check out the rest. Let me know if you find any good ones. I have new found faith in people's ability to be stupid. What a nice gift for the weekend.

Picture of the day
06.01.05 (12:47 pm)   [edit]

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This is a still from what might be the best film ever made. I won't rest until I see it.

Asshole Battle #2!!!
06.01.05 (10:15 am)   [edit]
Well people, It's that time again. Time for another Asshole battle. I really had so much fun reading the awesome comments and debates during the last battle that I thought I'd do it again.

This time around we have a 3-way battle to make it more interesting. I've picked 3 of the biggest douchebags I could remember from watching movies over the years, and I think we have a good matchup. The only rules for this are that all of their movie/TV roles can apply, and I'm linking their IMDB profiles to their names for reference. Ok, people! Here we go..

In your opinion, who is the biggest Asshole?

#1: Paul Gleason

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(Best known for his work as notorious dickhead Clarence Beeks in "Trading Places" and the principal in "The Breakfast Club")

#2: Ronny Cox

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(Known for his pivotal roles as bigtime asshole Dick Jones in "Robocop" and Mars douchebag Vilos Cohaagen in "Total Recall")

#3: Christopher McDonald

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(Immortalized as the infamous Shooter McGavin in "Happy Gilmore" and the creepy TV host Tappy Tibbons in "Requiem For A Dream")

So there you have it, folks. Let the games begin!!!

Picture of the day
05.31.05 (10:36 am)   [edit]

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This is an disco album by Arthur Fiedler, who was the conducter of the Boston Pops Orchestra. How badass is this cover? John Travolta has nothing on this guy.

Old people are jive. A cool old person is so much cooler than a cool young person because of the decades of training and practice. This kind of cool you can only get by saving up 70 years worth of pimp tokens. I love his expression. There must be something liberating when you reach that age where you just dont give a fuck.

The World of Fainting Goats
05.31.05 (10:10 am)   [edit]

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It's been said that you learn something everyday. I know there are good months on end where I don't learn anything, I maybe even unlearn things. Regardless, I am always a little happier when I learn something by the end of the day. It could be a new swear word, or a stupid fact (which it usually is) or a profound truth of the universe. Today I have one for you.

Have you ever heard of Fainting Goats?

Fainting Goats are known by a number of descriptive terms such as Nervous, Stiff-leg, Wooden-leg, and Tennessee Scare goats. Unlike Rusty the Narcoleptic Dog, they don't suffer from any type of hillarious sleep disorder, as they don't actually faint or fall asleep. Rather they fall stiff legged, giving the appearance of fainting. Here's some info on them:

"Shepherds often kept the goats in with their flocks as insurance in case of predator attacks. The theory went something like this- as wolves would come down from the hills to attack a flock of sheep, the goats would become startled and, as per the name of their breed, they would faint. The sheep would make a clean getaway, as the wolves would focus on the stunned goats rather than pursue the fleeing sheep. Not that wonderful if you were one of the goats, sure, but downright dandy if you happened to be a sheep."

Now all this information is well and good, but don't you want to see some fainting goats fainting? I know I do. Here is a fantastic "News" segment from a current affair filled with Fainting goats galore. The interview at the end with the goat lady is especially terrific. One of her goats is named J-lo. 'Nuff said.

For more information on the world of Fainting Goats, check out the International Fainting Goats Association website (Not to be confused with The International Fancy Guppy Association site).

I think the IFGA upturned goat logo is probably the most boss thing I've ever seen. I want a Napoleon Dynamite style glossy pic T-shirt of it. I'd wear it way to much. Fantastic.

Picture of the day
05.29.05 (1:03 pm)   [edit]

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Honestly, what the hell is going through Phil Spector's head these days? He must have forgotten the basic rules of trying to look innocent when facing a jury.

1. Never dress like a business casual Civil War Union soldier.
2. Play down the "I'm fucking crazy" look.

Maybe he's trying to hypnotizing them into ignoring the evidence. It's starting to work on me..

Japanese Power Bomb!
05.28.05 (1:39 pm)   [edit]

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Ok. Word of advice to any would be purse snatchers in Japan: Don't even think about it or your bitch ass will get POWER BOMBED! I can't believe how cool this is. I want to marry this lady. What a badass. This video is insane. Insane I tell you! Check it out here!

Picture of the day
05.28.05 (7:38 am)   [edit]

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Exactly how many cocaine sandwiches does a person have to eat in order to look like this?

It came from 1977
05.28.05 (7:24 am)   [edit]

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I have a strange fascination with the 1970's. My parents were total retro freaks, so my early memories are full of strange bright colors. My memories of that time are filled with images where everything was a bit too bright and oddly hued, like someone turned the tint all the way up on the TV. Also during the 70's everyone made their houses out of cocaine, listened to ABBA, and ate fondue for breakfast lunch, and dinner.

It's weird how some fashions have come full circle. Like haircuts for instance. Occasionally you see women rocking the feathered haircut, but with tragically hip men everywhere it's like looking back in time. Take a look at this scary picture of Bobby Sherman for example.

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I swear to you I see that guy 56 times a day in Greenwich village. He's everywhere. Except he doesn't smile. He listens to Radiohead bootlegs on his arm-strapped Ipod and scowls for a living.

And have a look at this fantastic picture of Disco superstar Cerrone.

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I really think this guy sold me a CD at the Virgin Megastore once. I remember him looking at my choice of CD and making that "You're not underground enough" face. How could I forget his ironic Flock of Seagulls T shirt and faux punk attitude. New York is really great. Except when it sucks.

So here are some awesome 70's galleries of super kitsch furniture I found amazing. If Ikea threw up after a night of partying this is what would come out. (Check em out here and here.)

You gotta love the barrrage of sense offending colors. I know when I walk into a room, I want my eyes to feel like they are being set on fire. What would it be like if your whole house looked like this? I'd love it. Just going to the kitchen for breakfast would be like tripping on Acid...

Picture of the day
05.27.05 (1:17 pm)   [edit]

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No disrespect to the dead, but I had to share. This name is so crazy. So so crazy.

Buttload of random information
05.27.05 (1:11 pm)   [edit]

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Those who know me are aware my attention span is fairly short. I like lists I can read fast before I lose interest in what I'm reading. I found this site with hundreds of random facts that I thought I'd share. I love quick factoids like these. They make my synapses fire off like pop rocks. Here are a few I found interesting..

Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter" in 2000.

Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more often than any other dates. The reason may be that they are "scared to death" by the number four. The words four and death sound alike in both Chinese and Japanese.

The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his lifetime waiting at red lights.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

More than 2,500 left-handed people are killed each year from using products that are made for right-handed people.

Most of the deck chairs on the Queen Mary 2 have had to be replaced because overweight Americans were breaking them.

Oprah Winfrey and Elvis Presley are distant cousins.

Quebec City, Canada, has about as much street crime as Disney World.

f you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult's brain waves.

We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.

(There are hundreds more here...Check em all out! My brain is hurting trying to read them all. So many!)



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